Cantar De Procella

[10:50:51] Fay P.: (coffee)
[10:56:02] Rhanite: Omnomnom
[10:58:23] Rhanite: How's the morning find you then?
[11:00:48] Fay P.: I stumbled upon a site with some very moving stories,and one of them reminded me of that "i m gonna love and tolerate the crap out of you" line you said at some point
[11:00:50] Fay P.: http://www.inspirational-short-stories.com/hero-dog.html
[11:01:54] Rhanite: n'awww
[11:02:58] Rhanite: Oh oh! I have a new monologue. Started Mira's next chapter
[11:03:22] Rhanite: It's a short one though, it might need more. Unsure.
[11:03:33] Rhanite: lessee them hero dogs then
[11:05:29] Rhanite: That made me "'dawwww"
[11:05:45] Fay P.: All the stories on that sight are very moving
[11:05:48] Fay P.: site*
[11:05:59] Fay P.: the kind that stays with you,you know?
[11:12:58] Rhanite: Rhanite chuckles
[11:13:27] Fay P.: read the "but  I feel good" one and tell me it doesn't move you,seriously!
[11:15:36] Rhanite: They're nice in a wholesome kind of way, slightly amusing too - but I don't feel moved I must admit. Writing an inspirational story is somewhat simple in formula
[11:17:45] Rhanite: Present problem - usually a circumstance that is easily relateable and widely acknowledged as a tough nut to crack.  Then present borderline larger-than-life action to reaffirm Hope. And never write yourself as the protagonist - people are too cynical these days and it'll ruin your credibility
[11:18:54] Rhanite: But I can understand why you like them
[11:23:51] Fay P.: yeah...Tracy Chapman's "Remember the Tinman" was written for you alright
[11:24:39] Rhanite: Hrm, are you berating me for having a wider emotional range than on/off?
[11:25:58] Fay P.: Nevermind Elan, that's one of those moments where communication breakdown hits :)
[11:26:25] Rhanite: Oh no, you brought Chapman into this. The gloves are off.
[11:26:44] Fay P.: Fine. Do you even know the song?
[11:27:36] Rhanite: Of course
[11:28:04] Fay P.: "Found he had what he thought he lacked"
[11:29:51] Rhanite: You're awfully set on painting me as a frightened little boy hiding behind a walll to keep the world out
[11:31:42] Fay P.: I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention at all. Though I admit that the things you have told me about having constructed a secret life and having layers and layers of it have affected me.
[11:32:03] Fay P.: Should have paid attention to the past tense,clearly.
[11:33:34] Rhanite: Kill your darlings :P
[11:33:54] Fay P.: huh?
[11:35:08] Rhanite: It's a designer concept. If you have an idea/notion/character whatever - that you really like... a darling, as it where - then you have to be ready to disregard it utterly for the sake of the project
[11:35:49] Rhanite: Basically, it's a reminder not to get stuck on ideas - so you distort your vision trying to fit it around one such idea that may not be correct
[11:36:40] Fay P.: Right.
[11:38:12] Rhanite: Ooh, I can feel the snap there
[11:38:53] Fay P.: Okay,once and for all : I don't think you're a frghtened little boy hiding behind a wall to keep the world out. I do think you hide behind wooden,dry language and stories,but at the same time you create through them,and creativity is good,we need more of that,big time. The reasons are none of my business,though I of course indulge in the occasional theory,and sometimes even test it.
[11:39:33] Fay P.: I do occasionally get it handed back to my face,but hey,I'm ok with that.
[11:40:49] Fay P.: And yeah sure,I can lay off your back. Hell, I'm getting good at it. But it's what I've told you before,unfortunately,almost everything you are/do screams at me. When I manage to ignore it,tis all fine.
[11:40:59] Rhanite: Heeh, I do like how you get that "finality" sometimes.  You know the game - you want me to be a quivering pile of mushy feelings and emotions and I want to drive you batty.
[11:41:55] Fay P.: If I even take that line seriously for a moment...
[11:42:07] Fay P.: The game?
[11:42:20] Fay P.: I want you to be a quivering pile of mushy feelings?
[11:42:27] Fay P.: You want to drive me batty?
[11:42:34] Fay P.: Tell me you're fucking joking.
[11:42:54] Rhanite: Not before I buy joking a nice dinner and take her out for a movie
[11:42:59] Rhanite: But
[11:43:53] Rhanite: the game? Ehhhh-element of truth, most things in the civilized world are games (admitted, some more twisted and convoluted than the others)
[11:45:17] Rhanite: quivering pile of feelings? Again, element of truth - you want to change me - to make me have some kind of epiphany so I'll throw open the doors with tears of gratitude and let everything in (over-the-top metaphors ahoy)
[11:47:06] Rhanite: Drive you batty? I do find your conversation very intellectually stimulating and moreover fun and enjoyable. You're very smart, you have insight I don't and we disagree on stuff which makes for great conversation. Since you're more - well - emotional than I am, I will admit there is a kind of childish pranking glee in getting a rise out of you by playin devils advocate.
[11:47:13] Rhanite: And generally challenging you
[11:47:20] Rhanite: And your assumptions
[11:47:22] Rhanite: And your beliefs
[11:48:03] Fay P.: I am so angry right now I can't think straight
[11:48:13] Fay P.: so i ll log off before I tell you to fuck off or worse
[11:48:34] Fay P.: don't call me,i ll call you, when i manage to think straight again
[11:48:45] Rhanite: You shouldn't get so agitated, really.  I was paying you a compliment
[11:48:53] Fay P.: later,Elan
[11:49:00] Rhanite: Allright, later Fay
[12:06:03] Rhanite: I'm gonna leave this here - not necessarily for wanting the last word but rather to offer a perspective.
I challenge you the way I do for a few reasons.
One is that you're not entirely wrong. For whatever excuse I might play, I am very guarded. It's second nature now.
Another is that I don't believe any human has a truly objective truth - so when someone tries, specifically, to tell me something about me or worse - tries to lecture me on something I am allready proficient in, it really rubs the wrong way. It's a pride thing. The hope is, however, that by responding with goodnatured jabs, the venom can be removed and it won't lead to actual anger (life's too short to be angry about silly things).
Finally - having a failing rubbed in your face repeatedly just isn't nice. I appreciate that you mean well (I believe so anyway) - but by now I'm just a do-it-yourself guy. Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, teach him to fish and he can eat for the rest of his life. It may be slower than talking to licensed experts and all that - but damnit, I try and things are changing. Being reminded that they haven't changed enough sorta deflates the elation of achieving progress, however little, on one's own.
[12:06:57] Rhanite: Is it a wonder psychology is an interest?
[12:13:40] Rhanite: Being the empathic and deeply sensitive idiot I am under the all the armor, despite what anyone and everyone told me, I shouldered the blame of my parents' divorce at age 6, turned inward and was subsequently bullied and effectively friendless for the next 2-3 years for being much smarter than my classmates and yet still being quiet, polite and kind. Compound that with - when I finally managed to break out of that shell in high school, got a sweetheart to whom I devoted the boundless fountian of love and caring locked away in there - well... she broke my heart and left me to sufferthat first heartbreak without ever telling me why.
[12:15:01] Rhanite: Not unique circumstances, no horriffic tradgedy, but that is the best explination I have and it's taken me 18 years to formulate it this well.
[16:13:50] Fay P.: You're always on my case about how I think of the worst possible scenario behind your actions all the time, instead of thinking there might be something else there, and here you are, doing the same thing yourself.
The truth is, I admire you Elan.
From the beginning-no, ever since I started paying attention, even through this indirect way that is the internet, I was always awed at the way you think, act, live. At the way you could and still can take anything, absolutely anything, emotions situations jokes utter bullshit and turn it into something creative. I could and can see what you’re doing, what you’re trying to do with the things you choose. At the same time I could sense the gaping loneliness, I could sense pain, I could sense loss. No matter what you say on that one, i’m sorry but I won’t take it back. And it doesn’t matter if what you went through wasn’t some big ass tragedy or something so out of the ordinary. What matters is the effect it had or still has on you. I could sense all these things in you, paired with your brilliance, and I could and still can the effort you make. And it moves me. It moves me so much that I fell in love with you, almost a year ago. I had told you back then, that I could SEE who you were, who you TRULLY were, and I was ready to accept you exactly the way you were, not wanting to change a single thing, but be there if you chose to change. Much good that did, apparently. For a very long time though has passed, you think I’m trying to change you and I rub your failures in and always try to push you and all those things you wrote. So here I am, left wondering what the fuck did I do to give you that impression when if there’s one thing I have left for you that never changed is respect. The utmost, respect. Not cause I see you as a frightened little boy, but for the man I see trying to define himself, evolve, learn, progress.
In my eyes, you haven’t failed a single thing. I don’t even know why you would describe as failure the things you fight against. In my eyes, it’s not a question of failing. Failing isn’t even an option. You can’t fail, Elan. Not in these battles. You can only do what you can. Not you only, me, the guy next door, anyone. These are things that we fight to learn from the battle, the journey, not to win or fail. That’s what I think at least.
I do recognize my mistake, though. It’s not even an original one. You see someone you care, and your heart yearns to somehow reach out, save them some time, effort, pain, anything you can really, make it just a bit easier for them. And you forget the most basic thing psychology ever taught me:  let them come to you. Not cause of some stupid power play, but cause that’s when they’re ready to listen. I can almost see you cringe even now, thinking I’m yet again pretending to know better than you, that I’m yet again trying to doctrine you somehow,lecture you, prove how awesome I am compared to you and what a weakling you truly are. And it honestly pains me, cause that’s not the case at all. Whether I like it or not, I am twelve years older than you AND a psychologist on top of that. It’s like a double curse. Whether I like it or not, I do see things in you, for you. I try stay my tongue, so many fucking times, out of respect mostly. But sometimes...it’s too much. I worry, I lose it,or I jsut get downright angry. I’ve tried shutting the fuck up,and I can do it to a certain extent. But not always,and I don’t think I can do better than this to be honest. It’s impossible for me to look the other way or to diminish the importance of something by throwing a joke like I see so many other people do so as to make away with it, harmless, painless. I can’t. It’s beyond me. So if you only want people like the ones described beforehand in your life, please let me know. For in my mind it’s out of the question to sit around and joke when what I sense from the utter side is something that in my eyes is deadly serious.

And it’s not that I don’t trust you to make it on your own you moron. I know you can handle yourself pretty damn well. It costs, but hey, doesn’t it for all of us. But I can’t help myself. Everything about you screams at me, moves me,I don’t know how else to put it. I fucking KNOW how sensitive you are, I’ve told you this before, you feel very strongly, you’re not the emotional fork we were joking about. And that only adds to the unbearable urge I get sometimes to just reach out god damn it. In the most awkward, clumsy, even silly ways sometimes, but just reach out. And then I usually get the door slammed in my face and learn my lesson. For a little while. And then here we go again.

I honestly don’t know any more. It seems like no matter what I do, we always end up here. I just feel tired. Despite my best efforts to show you that in reality I admire and respect you, all I manage to do is make you feel like I’m castrating you. May be we’re just THAT incompatible, I don’t know what else to make of this anymore.
[16:22:16] Fay P.: Okay,I never thought I'd actually show this to you,but fuck it,the situation calls for it. NOT TO REMIND YOU OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT, it was all a very long time ago, but in the hope to make you understand what I mean!
[16:22:17] Fay P.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=M3UcPXVJIYI
[16:23:35] Rhanite: inb4 anything relating to the larger issue - that's rather cool in a very creepy way
[16:24:12] Fay P.: the vid?
[16:24:39] Rhanite: Well, I'm making the assumption that the song is more important than the images but yes, the video
[16:24:56] Fay P.: They're both very,very,very important.
[16:25:04] Rhanite: You have a point there
[16:25:48] Rhanite: Of all the titles for it though, why would it be exactly that - that is what creeps me out
[16:25:59] Fay P.: I made the vid
[16:26:05] Rhanite: Ah!
[16:26:08] Rhanite: Well...
[16:26:10] Fay P.: *facepalms*
[16:26:35] Rhanite: Of course, of course! I hadn't even looked at the uploader - I was absorbed in listening and watching
[16:26:38] Rhanite: Rhanite facepalms
[16:26:50] Fay P.: that's almost funny man :P
[16:27:01] Fay P.: LOL trust a guy to miss the point ROFL
[16:27:05] Rhanite: I know, right?
[16:27:26] Rhanite: We are a bunch of dumb fucks, no question there
[16:28:05] Rhanite: So be nice to us... subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work - just tell us!
[16:28:20] Rhanite: Or so Dennis Leary says
[16:28:52] Fay P.: how far in are you?
[16:29:04] Rhanite: 6:45
[16:29:05] Fay P.: k
[16:31:45] Rhanite: And done
[16:32:48] Fay P.: Fay P. nods
[16:34:58] Rhanite: Beautifully matched up, alot of depth.
[16:35:31] Rhanite: More than can be fully appreciated in just one viewing
[16:35:51] Fay P.: Thanks,it just...made itself tbh
[16:36:02] Rhanite: I know the feeling
[16:36:06] Fay P.: :)
[16:38:10] Rhanite: And the comment I was about to make earlier, in response to the bountiful exposition, was: See, there's that spot-on analysis that can be very very intimidating
[16:39:01] Rhanite: The point you make about "much as you want to help, you gotta let them come to you" is completely agreed - can't argue that
[16:39:48] Fay P.: I try,Elan
[16:39:59] Fay P.: It's so much easier when I don't give a fuck.
[16:40:17] Rhanite: Oh very much so, yes
[16:41:26] Rhanite: But you can't be insensitive, that's not who you are
[16:41:52] Fay P.: Thus the brick wall.
[16:41:54] Fay P.: Anyway,look,I gotta get ready to go see Varvara & Fotini briefly or they'll bite my head off,and after that I gotta tank Eternity Vault. But I'll leave Skype running in case you wanna add something or comment or anything.
[16:42:24] Fay P.: All I ask is that you have a think on what I wrote.
[16:43:19] Rhanite: Ooh, sounds like a solid evening right there. And well - disregarding it completely would be pretty dickish - couldn't do that any more than you could.
[16:43:56] Fay P.: heh
[16:44:03] Fay P.: well..till next we talk then :)
[16:45:05] Rhanite: Ratherquite