Cantar De Procella

I enter the bedroom. Luke's lying in bed, reading a book. And that's when it hits me. All of a sudden I feel like I've stepped into a movie, one of those Hollywood ones where, once the mother has kissed the kids goodnight she goes to the bedroom, to her husband. I climb on the bed and that thought is so intense I actually laugh. Luke looks up from his book, asking me. I try to avoid replying - what on earth can I tell him? He insists, I resist. I don't even know if I should tell him or not, I don't want to scare him or make him think..."think of what?" I hear a voice in my head saying. "Think of you as his wife? The mother of his children? Damn straight you don't".

"Do you?"

It takes me a while, and I go about it as discretely and as cautiously as possible, but I tell him. He laughs, not to mock me, but cause it felt the same for him when I stepped into the room and he was reading. I'm surprised, and relieved. "We're not there yet, so don't freak out, it's alright".

Surreal, I tell you. That's what this whole thing is.
I mean, I've always been a bit of a loner, and a night owl, know what I mean? Independent, strong, smart, sexy in my own way. And for the past few days I feel as if I've stepped into something that came out of a family movie. And what's even more confusing, is that I'm not even sure if I want it or not! I mean...I had started thinking that yeah, I want a family too. Some day.  In some vague future. And this vague future is upon me, cause of my age. And..I still don't know if I really want it. I'm around kids these past days and man they're hard work. I don't think I got the energy for it. But then again, they're three. If it was just one then it would be better wouldn't it?

...

ARGH!

See?! That's what's happening! I mean.. here I am thinking about kids and families for crying out loud! The fuck! And don't start with the "you're 36, high time girl" !! This is new territory for me mkay? I have every right to freak out! Especially when I've only been with Luke for one month for crying out loud! ONE MONTH! This is... I don't know, there's a part of me screaming for caution and pacing and all things in good time and another going "oh live it already, and don't worry, if things go wrong, you'll know".

Deep breath Fay, come on.
Break it down girl.

You don't need to do anything you don't want to do.
Anything.
Remember that.
As long as you're ready to pay the price, no one can force you to do anything.

You care about him a lot,I know.
Take it easy now, you need at least a year to do the things you need to do before you can start thinking of more serious plans.
First things first, right?




Right.