Cantar De Procella

We're making love.


You make me climax and I'm holding you so tightly my muscles ache. And right then, when emotion  grips me and my eyes well up, when my truth comes out, I start calling out to you : "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!"

I wake up.

I open my eyes, realizing instantly it was but a dream. I rub my eyes and stumble out of bed. My heart is racing. It felt real, too real. Like you were there.

I somehow make it to the bathroom, wash my face to pull myself together and shoo those thoughts and images away. Work, I gotta get to work. I know my heart hasn't healed yet, and I mentally try soothe it. I gotta get going.

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It's easier when it's your decision they say. When you're the one who goes, it's easier cause you've had the time to mull it over, think it through. Hmmm. Judging by the past, yes, it's easier.You still pay the price for it, but it's easier.

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- Why did you go?
-Hmmm?
-Why did you go? Why did you leave him?
-You really wanna know?
-Yeah, I really wanna know. You say you loved him, for real. So why did you go?
-Since when is love enough?
-I'm not saying it is. I wish it was, that's for sure. And stop turning the question around, give me a straight answer.
-*deep breath* I've told you already, what more do you want? I was growing cold, I coulnd't handle the distance any more. And don't get that tone with me, it's not like I tricked him or played games behind his back. I had told him from the beginning that I didn't know how long I could take the distance, had even told him that if I knew myself at all, around the next year I'd probably start needing more. *bitter laughter* Was right on that one alright. True to myself, at around that time it became too much.
-Okay, I get that. It's hard with the distance alright. But you had done it before, you knew this was gonna happen sooner or later. So what the fuck Fay? Why do it all over again?
- *snapping* I fell for him, okay? I fell in love with him, I thought this time it might be different, that this one would work. I sure as hell wanted it to work. And Luke was... kind, sweet, and he cared about me, I thought that he'd be the one to actually stay with me, love me for real, and not just... *voice breaks*
-[softer] It was different in the end wasn't it?
- It was..and the bitterness, the disappointment... I don't know what happened. I don't know if or what I did wrong, or what brought on that hideous behaviour on his part in the end. I mean okay, I knew that he had this thing for showing off to the world, making public things that never should be. I think I even understood why, he had told me I was his first serious relationship and okay, of course you wanna show off and go "Look at me! I got a gf! I'm worth something!" in the face of everybody. But what happened in the end? *shakes her head* That's beyond anything I ever imagined. Saying all that stuff behind my back, and writing it too... I couldn't believe it. Okay he's hurt I get it,I've been there myself. And I too wanted to draw blood. But I did it privately goddamn it, I wrote on my blog, I confided to my best friend, I didn't go around writing crap about SOMEONE I CLAIM I LOVED! I mean..what the fuck! What kind of a person would I be if I did that? What would that say about me? And hey, if my ex was  so fucking awful, what did I do with him in the first place? Why did I fall for him? But noooooo, no self reflection,  just point and laugh. Can't deal with the hurt inside? Can't take it like a man? Easy solution : make the other person the villain and dish out all your hate. Guess I should have expected it though shouldn't I. All this immaturity. Fucking...
-You saw it before then?
-[angry]You bet your arse I did! So many times! But I loved him goddamn it, I really did, I still do on some level, and I understood him. So I shut up, took it, and tried not to let it get in the way. But at some point it all becomes too much, you know? The distance...I wanted him so much, I felt alive when he was around, yet there was a time when we didn't see each other for a month. A month! I forgot his touch, his presence, every time we met again it felt like we were starting all over again instead of steadily moving on. And I also felt lonely sometimes... And worse? I caught myself flirting with other men, twice. And it scared me. I loved Luke, how could I even be considering someone else? But I couldn't help it, I was growing cold.I tried telling him, it even happened in front of him once goddamn it but he didn't get it, didn't do anything about it. Or he didn't want to, not sure. But then again,he wasn't really one to claim was he?
-Are you referring to the guy at the bank?
-Damn straight I am. I mean, what the fuck, what kind of a man sees someone else flirt with his gf right in front of him and  does NOTHING? And okay I don't mean start a fight or be aggressive but..something goddamn it! Wrap his arm around me, move towards me protectively, SOMETHING to claim me, something that will say "hey, hands off mate, cause she's mine". Or the other time at the bar, on Ash's birthday, yes he did come over when he saw those guys chatting me up but did he make any move towards me? Anything to claim me? Nope. Would it be so freaking hard to just wrap his arm around my waist and move against me? Get me out of there asap? *voice breaks* And I couldn't say that to him, what could I tell him, "grow a pair" ? It would kill him. I already felt I had said too much when I told him he lets his family walk all over him and he doesn't even see it. That was pushing it far enough. I didn't wanna lose him, despite everything. I really, really loved him. He's so...just...

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-Are you ok?
-Yeah...
- Sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine, just..you know.
-Mhm,I do.




-Do you regret it?
-Hmm? Regret what?
-Leaving him.
-No, not really. I still think it was the right decision.
-So if he came to you now, and for once claimed you, fought for you and told you he was ready to be with you, that he simply refused to let you go, what would you do?
-....
-What would you do?
- I...I don't know, I...
-You'd give it another try wouldn't you?
-I don't know, I really don't think that's going to happen. He didn't fight for me or claim me when we were together, he'll never do it now. Especially after all that...bullshit he was dishing out about me. How can I ever trust him again?
-May be he's sorry. May be he's learned something.
-I don't know...may be...but that's a hypothetical question.
-Okay.
-And still, it's not just that, distance would still be an issue, I simply cannot be put in a place where I feel I'm waiting for him again, it kills me, I start feeling like an idiot,I really cannot deal with it. If we could come up with some sort of solution or a different angle for looking at all this, then may be,I don't know..
-Okay, alright, I get it, shhhh.

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