Cantar De Procella

Woman: I don't wanna lose you...

Man: I don’t want to lose you either... But admittedly, I’m driving you away even now, while I don’t want that, I don’t want to do it. I can’t stop myself when things like this happen. A. got in my head yesterday and mind-fucked me; majorly. He did the very thing that’s been happening to me for well over two years now."Don’t worry, I’m not lying to you, you can trust me". Blah blah blah.

Woman : The talks we have, the way we manage to relate, the things we do and share, the fact that I'm ready to just grab a plane and come το you if you allow me to, even το just have one drink with you...

All that doesn't count, does it?

Man: It hurts you to think I still doubt you. The fact is, I DON'T doubt you. I dont mistrust you.I don’t trust other people. And no, I won’t say "My jealousy, paranoia and my flaws are now gone because of how close we are!" Because that isn’t the case. They aren’t triggered anymore, because of how much i trust, relate to you. After the talks we`ve had. The chances i’ve been given after being wrong so many fucking times before, it’s unreal.

Last night was pure chance. You were with him at the wrong moment. I needed to talk to you about it, about what happened. And i got to see that. It triggered all the shitty thoughts he`d been molesting my head with ALL-FUCKING-DAY." Don’t worry, I’m your friend. What have I to gain by lying to you about this?" Etc etc.

And I’m sure, I’m pretty damn sure.. If even now someone told you i was with someone else. You`d want to know about it, right?

Woman: The difference is, I'd go STRAIGHT to that person that told me and asked him to talk to YOU, not to me.

Man: Even if you trusted me, had no doubt. You`d still want to talk to me about it.

Woman: If someone has a problem with what you're doing, he should come to you, not me. Fucking triangles everywhere.

Man: I guess this is something else we perceive differently. I don’t want to/and i don’t keep anything from you. Because if I did that, eventually you`ll find out. And then it becomes suspicious. And it becomes a dangerous field. If I tell you everything, or at least what I'm doing with who at that moment in time when you ask me: "Oh, what ya up to?". And I tell you exactly. There’s no reason to be doubted -ever-.

Woman: I disagree.

Man: Then please, tell me your opinion on this.

Woman: Whether I trust you or not, has to do primarily with me, and with you to a certain extent.

If you give me reason to doubt you, if you make me feel insecure in some way, I'll tell you, and THEN Expect you to do something about it. If you give me no reason to doubt you or feel insecure, then the issue is with me.

I used to operate in triangles as well, till I opened my eyes. A relationship has to do with TWO people. When a third party is involved, it all goes to hell, cause then it's one word against another. You can never know.

Man: You’re right. But I don’t think I’m completely wrong either.

Woman : I learned the hard way, that when someone starts bad mouthing someone to me, I tell them to take it up with the person they have the problem with.If I have doubts or feel I should check it out, I go to you for example and say, in a non-judgemental way, "hey, this and this, got any comment?”

Man: You’re right.

Woman: You're not completely wrong either. You make me feel safe and secure with you cause you do tell me about what you do. And I mean RL here; I don't give a rat's arse about the rest.

Man: I think you care more than you let on. Because consequently if I did anything devious/against you even be it on there, it`d affect us IRL as well.

Woman: What's the worst that could happen there, you with someone else? Big deal. It would annoy the hell outta me and I d flame you, but it would be NOTHING compared to if you came to me and told me "you know...last night, i was out, pissed out of my mind, this gal came on to me and i fucked her"

Man: I guess that’s where we differ. If you ERP`d with someone else, I`d drop you in an instant. And that’s when you`d hear me say "You know what? Fuck you"

Woman: Whereas if I did that IRL you’d be cool with it?

Man: No, I wouldn’t like it at all. But the difference to me at least, we Role-play a Relationship. It’s through that that we grew closer, became able to relate so well. If you or me ERP`d with someone else, we have control over that OOCly as well as we said before. So obviously it’s through an attraction for these other people that we actually agreed to do anything of the sort with another. It’s the same sort of case IRL, but we don’t have the option to define "In game/IRL" in an IRL situation.

If you went out and got pissed for example, and went home with a guy and had sex with him. You wouldn’t have the second frame of mind -yourself- to consider it right or wrong. And i don’t know if what I’m saying is coming across how I want it too, or in a way that you understand. But in addition to all that, we aren’t a couple IRL. And we live so far apart. I can’t tell you OOCly what you can and can’t do out of game. I’m not saying I’d be fine and dandy with it. Because hell, It`d hurt.

Because in a way, I’d have lost you. You. YOU are the important person to me.

Woman: You're right. And I do see it. You do see how, even though we're only a couple there, this affects us IRL too though don't you.

Man: Of course i do! I like you IRL as I’ve said already. But that’s because of the way we relate OOCly. Because of how honest and close we are as me and you. And how did we start growing closer through the game? ERP. The RP relationship.

*the woman nods*

Look...I need an honest answer here. If you really think there's not a chance in hell we'll ever meet, cause you don't want to, cause you don't want to take this any further, for whatever reason, I need to know. I won't judge, on my word, but I need to know.

Man: I don’t think there’s no chance in hell that we`d meet. I do want to meet you. But honestly, I don’t want to take this any further than the stage we`re at now. Because we`re happy like this, right? We can still relate, talk to one another and have a close bond so to speak. And if we got into an IRL relationship, for example. And it went wrong. We split up.

Woman: So, tell me exactly what keeping this at the stage we are now entails please. And I'm not talking about a RL relationship.

Man: Our chats. Our IG Relationship. Our closeness. Our honesty. Our... naughtiness. Our talking to one another about our problems, because it made me happy that I could at least talk to someone about my feelings about that issue the other night... You’re the only fucking person on this planet that I’ve spoken to about that.And yes I broke down.

Woman: So...all the times you've told me you wished we were together at that moment, cuddling, you don't really want that..

Man: .....No...

Woman: You don't want real physical contact with me. I see.

Man: I didn’t say that, at all.

Woman: I gotta think..

Man: I`ve not lied to you about anything. And i can’t fake emotions like that.

Woman: It doesn't compute. You wanna keep things the way they are, yet you wanna touch me? Doesn't compute.

Man: How far do you want this to go then? You said you don’t want a relationship either. But this is -already- borderline there: I don’t know, maybe this is our differences as people speaking again. But whenever I’ve told you I want to cuddle you, I’ve not lied about it. And I won’t accept being told different.

Woman: Yeah...I see...We want different things.

Man: Tell me what you want.

Woman: I already have.

Man: Then tell me again.

You said you want to meet me and see what happens. But that isn’t telling me what you hope to gain from all that.

Woman: "gain”?

GAIN?????????? You think I'm out to GAIN something?????????

Man: You’re misinterpreting my words... AGAIN.

Woman: Alright.

Man: For FUCK’S SAKE. I might as well leave or something.

Woman: Can't you NOT run away when trouble hits?

Man: How the feck can I defend myself here? Everything I’m saying is wrong.

Woman: You don't need to defend yourself.

Man: I just had to, TWICE. Because you’re misinterpreting my words and making it seem bad.

Woman: Well that's how we learn! And...Look, I like you, okay? I know VERY DAMN WELL we could never be together. But all the...things, the thoughts, everything we’ve shared...it's all been done in WORDS damn it. I want a chance to show them in actions. And I KNOW that's not granted, neither for me or you.

Man: I would like that to happen. But it relates back to what i said months ago to you. How do you know, a relationship –won’t- happen. To me, we are almost there already. And fuck, I like it. But you say you don’t want a relationship, and neither do I want it to go that far, because of how much it would ruin us if we ever fell out. I want to meet you, I want to cuddle you and do EVERYTHING I said I wanted to presently & previously.

I’m NOT lying to you, god damn it.

I CAN’T fake emotions; I CAN’T fake what I want.

But I’m so damn scared of losing you; I’m not prepared to take any risks that might destroy what we have right now. If that’s wrong.. If that doesn’t compute. I don’t know what to do. But i like you. I really fucking like you. And that isn’t going to change overnight.

*some time passes in silence*

Woman: I feel numb..Like I've been dealt a blow and haven't quite realized it yet...

You're not prepared to take that risk...I am.

Man: I understand...

Woman: What's keeping me here is the sheer desire to make my words, actions.

Man: So... You’re saying that if it doesn’t happen, you’re dropping me?

Woman: I've...I've felt all these things; I just...can't ignore them.

No...

Man: I’ m not saying i don’t want to meet you.

I’m not saying that we can’t make the words, actions.

Woman: I know, you're saying you're scared we'll fall out.

Man: Exactly. I’m scared of losing you..

Woman: Please don't get angry here...is that REALLY the reason?

Man: Yes, it is the reason.

Woman: Look, if it's anything else, anything, just tell me okay?

Man: It’s not anything else...

*Sighs*

I just can’t deal with the thought of losing you... Okay? I sat up all night last night, staring at my phone, waiting for a text back. I never got one. Its why i woke up this morning after what.. Two hours sleep. Thinking about how I’m going to justify myself to you, whether I’m going to quit entirely or just disappear.

Woman: I didn't wanna talk to you last night. That's why I switched my phone off and even when I got the texts I didn't answer. Well, bar that one.

And I cannot promise you things will be rosy and we'll never fall out. There is a risk. It comes down to whether we're willing to take it, or not. I am, for my part. It’s just unthinkable, for me, to freaking FEEL everything I do, to have this affect me SO much IRL and just not..Do something about it. I don't know what will happen in the future, whether we'll fall out or in or whatever, I have no idea. And you are right, I cannot know anything. All I know is what I want. And I want time with you. IRL. Be it a day, a week, whatever. I don't care. This, now, the way it is, it's lovely, and I enjoy it, despite the issues. But it's starting to not be enough. So the way I see it, it comes down to whether we want the same things or not. If the risk of us falling out is too big for you, tell me now, and I swear I won't bother you.

*silence*

Woman: Say something..

Man: So I take the risk of losing you, or I lose you anyway..Is that what it is?

Woman: It sounds awfully harsh but...I guess so.

*silence*

Woman: God damn it I don't like that. It sounds as if the only option, no matter what, is loss! Well you know what??? No matter WHAT the outcome, i will have earned something by meeting you! And it's not gonna be a loss at all! I already have earned so much by meeting you; you have NO FUCKING idea the things I learned from you.

Man: I`m now caged in here...I have to decide whether to risk losing you, or lose you anyway. The risk is my primary option...But if I lose you regardless?

Woman: Can we shift the focus on what we have to earn here, instead of what we have to lose? I know what I earn by being around you, and I want that, hell, I want more of that.

Man: Then what would you earn by not bothering me anymore -at all-? What would either of us earn by breaking apart..?

Woman: We have nothing to earn by breaking apart. Bar may be the possibility of saving us some heartache. But...I can't do that. I cannot sacrifice something NOW for something that MAY happen in the future. This is making me happy NOW damn it. And I need this NOW, I have no freaking idea what tomorrow will be like. But, okay, I've always been daring. I'm the kind of person who stares at the beast, tongues her cheek and goes "oh yeah? Bring it on bitch!" If I care enough, I’m the kind of person who either finds a way or makes one, I don’t just...quit, unless every other option available has been expended. And yeah, I pay the price for it. But that's me...

*silence*

Man: I don't wanna lose you...

Woman: I don’t wanna lose you either...