Cantar De Procella

It's so easy,it's scary.

The hardest time is night,as usual.In the unfortunately familiar by now restlessness of loss, I seek solace in the things I enjoy to pull me through. And I find them tainted, tangled in a web.Worst of all,the web reaches inside of me. Even if you find the strength to cut lines down,there's always a way isn't there...
Of course there is.

I feel defiled.

The layer that I felt attached to me now feels...toxic,disgusting,unwanted. I wanna wash it away,away from my body,so that it cannot reach me any more,it cannot touch me anymore. Wish I could just scrub it off, stay in the shower for hours till it's gone,done for. But this isn't skin deep is it...What do I mourn here,I wonder. For it isn't love,I know that for sure. Is it the dreams? Is it the hope?

For the first time ever,it wasn't me who said goodbye.
First times.
Progress.
Change.

Well.

It's so easy,it's scary.

An entire night.
The deep,warm voice of a total stranger.
I don't even know his name.
His familiar accent.
Bloody Norwegians.
His presence. Out of nowhere,yet again. I always marvel at the willingness of strangers to be there for me. I don't get it. Alterior motives? Hah. What, sex? Not a fucking chance. The possibility of it? Har har. Right now,if a man so much as looked at me that way I'd run away screaming.
"I wasn't aware that you had a lover".
Turns out I didn't.
Solace.
Comfort.
In the interaction, his interest.
What was it that I said to him? That the damsel in distress archetype is fucking embedded in every man and woman in the freaking world. That men will always wanna save us and that we'll always want to be saved.
I know damn well that's not the way it goes. But go figure.

It was so FUCKING EASY to lose myself in him, to focus on him,someone new,to show interest in getting to know him,to get distracted from the haunting images in my mind.

So fucking easy.

Letting someone pull me through? Is this,what it comes down to?
No...I'm not like that god damn it,I just know I'm not.

"When you lose,don't lose the lesson".

Mhm hm.

Think I got this one figured out. He was out of his depth,in so many different ways.

Of course he was.


WHO IS THE FUCKING STEPPING STONE HERE EXACTLY MY DEAREST,SWEETEST SELF?



Hit it Duffy.