Cantar De Procella

Heavy stuff. I strongly suggest you go away.






Here goes.


I'm tired. I'm really, tired. I'm tired of being alone, tired of being strong, tired of finding a way to endure. Something must clearly be wrong with me, for all my intelligence and perception, the things I want the most are the things I cannot have. Tell me, God, help me see, cause I don't understand,I don't know any more - if I ever knew. I feel broken, and my strength is giving way. And I know there are people who have faced worse things, but I can't think of them right now, I need to think about myself. Why is my emotional compass so broken? Why am I so blind? There are times I don't wanna do this any more, I just wanna pack up and go. I can change, I can adapt, I can fight, I have power and strength in me and somehow they're never enough, I'm never, ever enough.. I must always be prettier/thinner/stronger/other things in -er, as if I have been instructed that unless I'm perfect I cannot live, and it's killing me. It's like I always find excuses,and here I am, 37, and still waiting for my life to begin. Or to end, sometimes I'm not even sure which. And I'm scared, I'm scared when I think like that, MS was a major wake up call that got me to at least try and relate, and ever since it's been one disaster after the other. Why can't I tame my heart? Why does it always point to the people that aren't for me? Why do other people set targets for themselves and seem to achieve them, and here I am, failing to see my own victories? Why do I take things SO bloody hard, so out of proportion? Do I feel too strongly? Do I fool myself in that way, thinking this is life? I can see the abilities I have, I can see why someone could love me, and yet nobody does, and I despair God,I despair, I don't wanna do this if I am to do it alone do you hear? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE! Please, please, PLEASE, I just need one person, ONE, to stay, where I can stay too, that and my health,please,show me, teach me,what am I doing wrong again? I've spent years trying to learn,body and soul,trying to make them both live, and it's still not enough,does it ever end? What if I'm so tired I simply wanna give up? What if there are times I'm trying hard to find something to enjoy but it all tastes bitter in the end? WHY DO I ALWAYS MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE? And why am I being so hard on myself, why can't I change this around, why can't I be like everyone else???? If you can hear me, if in some way what I have inside me can get heard, if what I feel is real, then please give me someone where we will both want to stay,please guide me, for there are times that  I feel trully lost...

And if...if I HAVE to go it alone...

Fuck you.

You've created a chain out of everything, there's GOTTA be a way, everything is interconnected, SHOW ME HOW!


Please...