Cantar De Procella

Last night.

At the hospital.
Been dizzy for a while now,tried waiting it out,didn't change.
Left ear started buzzing as well,so I thought...I gotta do something about it.
Called my two doctors,they both said the same thing. Go to an ear specialist.

Went to the hospital. The ear specialist said there's nothing wrong with my ears, and sent me off to the neurological department.

That's when the real vertigo began, the inner one, the one I get each and every time.
First reaction,the usual : as soon as I was alone, I started crying. Panic started taking over, what if my diziness is related to the neurological issue? Does this mean I'll lose control over my body? Do I want to live if that happens? If not, how can I end it here? Should I start saying goodbyes?

My trail of thought derails,as it does when panic strikes.

On the verge of tears again, Alex comes to mind. A deep need for support inside of me,and my mind goes to him.Whether I like it or not, a part of my heart goes to him as well. I hate it. I hate the fact he came to mind in my hour of need.I disregard the thought of calling him. Needy he called me. The person that needs a woman to pull him through each phase of his life called ME needy. I hearken, and Kim comes to mind. Should I call him? He knows I'm at hospital. Yes, he does, but we're not at that level yet.I disregard that option as well. For a moment,I feel alone. Then I think of my friends,of my mother standing right next to me. No, I'm not alone. And I will not be alone. I know how to share, I know how to relate, tis a question of time.

Seeking, I hear a voice in my head. "Why do you always think of the worst first? Think of the best option Fay!".

I force my mind to change.I start thinking at what the best option would be. Don't know if it works or not, but at least I stop crying.

Dizzy as hell, the buzzing in my ears steady. Time comes, I see the hospital neurologist. He tells me the usual. Clinically there's nothing wrong with me, he prescribes a dizziness medication and a talk with my personal neurologist. Most likely I'll have to do yet another MRI before the scheduled time.

The best news comes from my mother a bit later though. I'll have the flat to myself for ten days in August.Right after I come back from Crete,right when Kim will be here. For some insane reason that lifts my spirits. No, not insane reason, a very valid, reasonable reason. A chance to live, a chance to experience, a chance to learn. That's what I've always wanted, that's what I aim for. Suck the marrow out of life, suck it dry.

On my way home, my courage returns.

I will not bail.
I will not die.
I will live.