Cantar De Procella

As usual,in two days I've realized and seen more things in myself than I have in six months.
Being with someone,romantically I mean,really brings out sides of you that otherwise remain dormant.
What do I see?
I see how I put myself in a lower position,cause I'm scared that if I show my true strength,the other will get scared and leave.
I see how I do the exact same thing that I thought I wouldn't do again : putting the other's needs above mine.
I see how I compare Elan with Alex. And I don't like it. They're very different people,thank God. And Elan is...just..wonderful. Yet the fucking comparison is there,at the back of my mind,lurking.

That's one fiend I gotta deal with asap alright.

I see how I cannot,for the life of me,turn my mind off. I simply cannot shut the damn thing off,even in the most private moments,I keep on thinking,thinking all the bloody time..And then I wonder why I don't really..feel anything. DUH! STOP THINKING ALREADY!

I see how I give all the freaking time,and then struggle to find a balance. I'm the one pulling the strings here,or so I think. What the fuck is this side of me? Who is this person who powertrips at the thought of "Hey,I wanted Elan,I got him,woohooo!" ? Who is this person that,as soon as she sets her eye on something or someone,she'll turn the whole world upside down if she has to,to get what she wants?
It's not me alright.Or..it's not who I wanna be. Yes it's power but...god damn it,in love (no we're not there yet,don't bite,it's a figure of speech), that's not the way it works,and I fucking KNOW that,you gotta put in as much as the other person damn it,not more or less..EQUALS!

Yeah right...if you wanted an equal dear self,you wouldn't feel drawn to someone 11 years younger than you. So please...

Good point,that one. But you know what? I wanna live this goddamn it. YES,AGAIN,MKAY? May be I didn't learn my lesson,may be I'm just really behind when it comes to emotional experience,I don't know,but I wanna live this,so please,give me a fucking break.

Mhm...that's what you wanted anyway isn't it..a break...somewhere where you can breathe again,and someone to do it with.

Yes..

Don't fucking hurt anyone,Fay. Not yourself,not him...Come on...Watch it now,girl...

I'll do my best..