Cantar De Procella

Salihah: tsk,not even a "hi"
Salihah: Is this how it will be from now on then? tsk tsk
Rhanite: Hn? Hadn't even looked at the friends lidt to be honest. Was studying AIP and then some gaming to break the tedium
Salihah: Dunno what AIP is but sounds academic enough :)
Rhanite: Ai prorgamming. Makes my brain cry
Salihah: And,well,was just wondering what the deal is tbh,don't even know if you wanna talk to me any more
Salihah: *gives hanky* there there
Rhanite: To be fair, I've not been quite sure how to go about it really.
Salihah: Well,how do you want to go about it?
Rhanite: Going from talking daily to not at all to maybe doing something? 'tis confusing
Salihah: Very much so,for me as well
Salihah: That's why I tried poking you,re-establish a connection,but you feel very distant so started wondering whether you don't wanna talk any more or sthg
Rhanite: The predicament I'm sitting with is really - I don't want to fall back to old habit, 'cause I won't lay it solely on you that things moved fast - too much so, before.
Rhanite: So getting back into that groove seems unwise to me, at least without understanding that better
Rhanite: Stupid emotions
Rhanite: Anyway
Rhanite: So I've been trying to figure out how to go about it, really, to do right by both. But it hasn't occupied the forefront of my mind with the exams looming.
Salihah: Can understand that,but I gotta admint I've been feeling...hmm...deserted,somehow,dunno how to put it
Rhanite: But I can see, as you say, that in trying to figure it out solo I'm allready making a choice unwittingly
Rhanite: Which on reflection isn't exactly what I was hoping to do
Salihah: yeah,you went turtle again
Salihah: we re in this together y know
Salihah: so make space damn it! *pokes around in the shell*
Rhanite: Well, help me then - what should I do?
Salihah: :O
Salihah: Okay me telling you what to do wasn't exactly what I had in mind either :P
Rhanite: I'm not inviting to be ordered around, but I value your opinion
Rhanite: heh
Salihah: I just....ahm...
Salihah: well,can't we try figure it out together instead of only one side contributing?
Rhanite: *scratches head* Isn't that what I'm encouraging now?
Salihah: How did -oh what's his name! the almost-best-pal of-Dexter- call it
Rhanite: I said "help me" not "do it for me"
Salihah: Miguel?
Rhanite: Excellent role-model, him
Rhanite: Heeh
Salihah: 'Share the load!"
Salihah: yeah okay he had his moments :P
Salihah: well,I m going through a period that I m trying hard not to overthink Elan
Salihah: ESPECIALLY in the light of recent events :P
Salihah: Maaaajor damage there,thinking
Salihah: so,i say,action
Rhanite: I'll get some C4
Rhanite: And gasoline
Salihah: is that an explosive?
Rhanite: and gunships
Rhanite: yes
Rhanite: Need helicopters and explosions for action
Rhanite: or swords
Salihah: lol
Rhanite: and a good SFX crew
Salihah: *note to self* Watch it when talking to a gamer!
Rhanite: Oh no, I'm something much worse. I'm a roleplayer.
Salihah: Ahm.
Salihah: Likewise?
Rhanite: Then you should know better heh
Salihah: aha :P
Salihah: Well,okay,as for the matter at hand...
Salihah: what do you want to do? i mean,do you miss talking to me or hanging out and stuff?
Salihah: that's usually a good palce to start me thinks
Salihah: it s what got me to talk to you at least
Rhanite: I think you're right, yeah. That'd be nice
Salihah: nuh uh :P Do you miss it? That's the question there!
Salihah: Possible answers : Yes, No,
Rhanite: I do, yeah. It was fun.
Salihah: Kinda,but don't really want the whooooole shebang back
Rhanite: Even when it was serious - well, most of the serious. SOme of it was kind of a downer
Salihah: Now we're talking. Talk to me.
Salihah: Which part was the downer
Rhanite: ¨You have three guesses, no wait, one.
Salihah: lost ya ><
Rhanite: When tits adopted a vertical alignment?
Rhanite: wait, that culd be minsunderstood
Rhanite: damnit.
Salihah: aaand i keep on losing you!
Rhanite: Yeah I confused myself there too
Salihah: *scratches head*
Rhanite: The shit went down, things rocketed off too quickly and we ended up well, ending.
Rhanite: That serious part was a downer
Salihah: The eding part?
Rhanite: Yes
Salihah: Tell me about it. I've turned into a sobbing sob within a week.
Rhanite: The serious parts about, you know, talking about stuff and junk and whatever and being relaxed about shit you don't normally talk about was kinda cool
Salihah: You know...if you don't know what/if it is that you really want from me,all you gotta do is say it..
Salihah: I mean,it happens
Rhanite: Oh yes, absolutely, but that option seemed somewhat invalid last time, so I'm trying to make more sense of it
Salihah: h00m
Rhanite: h00m?
Salihah: ye that's the sound i make when I think
Salihah: well,one of them
Rhanite: I see, I see - yes, the zeros make sense now...
Rhanite: phonetically speaking
Salihah: heh
Salihah: well,Elan,I don't know,I mean,I'm not in your head,I don't know what you want,if there's anything you want at all,and that's why I started drilling,cause I could feel you weren't quite there,whereas I was. Back when we ended I mean. All I know is what I told you over Skype that night,that I miss you,a lot,and that I wanna give this a proper try if you want so as well. So ahm...
Salihah: I don't wanna make you uncomfortable again ><
Salihah: But on the other hand...we can't exactly put us in the fridge till August can we
Rhanite: I really do enjoy your company, Fay - as I told you I care about you - I can't make any promises that things will change, though. There's a lot to work out and alot of decisions to make, for me at least.
Rhanite: I'd like nothing better than to spend time with you - and you're right, can't just, as you say, put it in the fridge.
Rhanite: I'd like to hang out though. Maybe I'll warm up more, maybe you'll cool down some - excuse the metaphor - at least we'll be giving it our best
Rhanite: As I see it, currently, I want to be friends, you want to be more. I won't make you feel bad for that. With time, one of us could slide in one direction or the other - which would be the "winning" scenario.
Salihah: A question,please : "There's a lot to work out and a lot of decisions to make,for me at least". In regards to?
Rhanite: Nebulous and alien stirrings I don't have words for - namely those estranged feelings I'm supposed to have
Rhanite: Logistics and vices and longer-term plans, perspectives and probably some other boring words as well
Rhanite: Many of those things that need to be addressed though you'd rather they just sorta magically worked themselves out, prefreably in your favor, in a world where nice guys win and gumdrops fall from the sky
Rhanite: If I'm making any sense
Salihah: So...when you said that,if you could let this unfold the way you want it to,you'd be happy to come down in August and give it another try..
Rhanite: That I'd come down with an open mind and be ready to accept every possibility. That's the best I can do.
Rhanite: If that's not enough, please tell me.
Salihah: It shouldn't be so hard damn it...I feel like I'm pushing,and that's the last thing I wanna do...Things like this an't be forced Elan,I know that well...And you make it sound so...serious,I mean,it's not like we gotta decide whether we'll get married damn it,these things evolve,take time,need their course...We're at the begining here,looking at each other and going "hmmm,interesting,wonder if..."
Salihah: The difference is I'm more inclined towards "yes" whereas you're still looking and going "hmmm,dunno"
Salihah: And,hell,my "yes" could turn into a big fat "no" with time,and vice versa,there are no guarantees,we know that well
Salihah: So I'm just...
Salihah: *sigh*
Salihah: I don't understand why so much thinking and deciding needs to be done
Salihah: I always thought in these things you go by what you feel :/
Rhanite: Chalk it up to inexperience. As you know, it's exceptionally rare that I make those kinds of connections with people so of course I take it seriously. It doesn't happen often enough to be frivilous - I know it should be, but I haven't had the guts or whatever to just fuckin' do that
Rhanite: Because if I'm going to try and share that much with someone, I'm going to care. I can't help it, I'm cursed with being a nice person. And I don't want to hurt the people I care about - I want them to be happy.
Rhanite: Unfourtunately, that kind of thing doesn't sell in the circles I've had access to, as I percieved it - nice guys finish last as the idiom goes.
Salihah: I'm here,verging on falling for you,BECAUSE you're a nice guy.
Salihah: So please.
Salihah: And I totally get what you say. I take it seriously as well,I'm not reckless when it comes to love. But you know what? I KNOW,that no matter how seriously I take it,no matter how hard I try,no matter the best intentions,I -will- hurt you and so will you. That's just the way it is Elan. You can only try,you taught me that. And in your effort,you'll do things that will hurt the other. The only hope is it won't be intentional and that you'll be committed enough to say "okay,wtf happened here,let's talk".
Salihah: Like it's already happened with us.
Salihah: And here we are,renotiating and exchanging information again.
Salihah: renogotiating*
Rhanite: This is true
Rhanite: The frustrating thing is, many of the factors that weight against me are outside of my control. The distance is an issue. I can't just pop by and spend time or vice versa.
Rhanite: We're also two different places in life - it can't be entirely ignored. We're going to want and need different things
Rhanite: These things - how do we address them? We're going to have to.
Salihah: Indeed. And I love the fact we are doing this already.
Salihah: I can only speak for myself. May I ?
Rhanite: Of course
Salihah: Distance,both in miles and years,is indeed an issue. The miles one is the easiest to tackle,in my mind at least. I've told you,and I hold by it,that if we find we really want to be together,I'd follow you anywhere Elan. I can come to Denmark, China,Mars,whereever,I don't care. I know,now,that my anchors are people,not countries. That,is,of course,to come at a later stage,not now. Meanwhile,if we really want to spend time together,yes,it will be more difficult for us than the average couple,but it can be done. We'll just have to visit as often as we can. I,for my part,am willing to do that. I cantotally see myself working as hard as I can or doing whatever needs to be done to be able to come visit you as often as possible.Also,
Salihah: life is full of possibility Elan,you never know what will happen,ever. I mean,come on,it was only 2 days ago that I got that email I told you about from Maersk. What if that works out and I'm in Denmark all of a sudden? What if another position works? Where there's a will there's a way,always. For me, those issues though have all to do with whether we want to be together or not. If you have that,then you either find a way or make one.
Salihah: I know coupled who conquered miles,and are quite happy. They just gave it a try,but they knew they wanted to be together.
Salihah: It is my understanding that you,at least,don't even know that yet,I mean,whether you want to be with me or not. So...I say,figure that one out first,and then logistics,we'll sort them out. Together.
Salihah: As for age.
Salihah: That,will never,ever,change.
Rhanite: Unless science stops being sad and starts being awesome
Salihah: No matter how younger I look,no matter how mature you are,we ll always be 12 years apart.
Salihah: lol
Salihah: I wish ;p
Rhanite: Heh
Salihah: That,Elan,is a risk. THE risk,in my eyes.
Salihah: No offense meant,but I think it's more of a risk for me than you.
Salihah: I'm 35,you're 24. If we break it up when I'm 45,cause you find you want a family and you think I'm too old for it or whatever,my chances of getting pregnant then are significantly less.
Salihah: And,that,is a biological fact.
Rhanite: So very true - I have thought about this
Salihah: I know of women who have had kids at that age but okay,it's not optimal.
Rhanite: When it comes to the age thing, it's not the number itself I care about, it's the details that come with it
Salihah: Care to elaborate?
Rhanite: Well, what you said. It's undeniable that we're very different places in life - and the clock is always ticking. You'll be ready to settle down before me, I'm sure - and as you say, the biological foibles sorta follow in that wake as well
Rhanite: I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I've spent all this time trying to dutifully prepare for life - but I haven't really lived much - and now the end of the time in which I can feasibly do that - well - it's not a distant nonentity anymore
Rhanite: And for all I've tried to do, I feel grossly unprepared
Salihah: You know...ready to settle down...even then,there are no guarantees,no safeguards Elan..Look at our parents,they settled down,and then had to break it up. I'm starting to think this whole "settling down" thing is overrated. This is 2011,what does "settling down" mean exactly any more? That you have a family? I don't even know if I want children,and I strongly believe that's a decision you make WITH someone,not alone. And...God I know what you mean. Preparing for life instead of actually living it..
Salihah: THAT"S what I'm trying to change Elan.
Salihah: For me I mean.
Rhanite: And I look around at others and see how richly they've seen and done things allready - people my age and younger too - and I try to figure out what I'm doing wrong
Salihah: Prepare for what damn it,as if it's all a plan and you can control it...such an illusion...
Rhanite: ANd how to do better
Salihah: You take a chance,Elan.
Salihah: You dare.
Salihah: That's what I think you do.
Salihah: That's what I'm doing,at least.
Salihah: In any way I can.
Rhanite: I've been brought up to want a safety net if I fall. To be prepared and not end up floundering
Salihah: And that is very important to have. That is why we relate to people,to have people we can count on.
Rhanite: That's why I try to plan, try to make ready and make sure here is a contingency, a way to make sure things will be allright
Salihah: God you remind me of myself...so worried about what could go wrong tomorrow that I miss my todays
Rhanite: But damnit. I want war stories. I want to be able to deliver a compliment that blows other guys out of the water. I want to be that guy who girls'll remember 'cause he could do something special for them. The guy his friends know they can always count on - and who they in turn will be there to back up no matter what
Rhanite: I watch too many movies heh
Salihah: :)
Salihah: It's in our nature to seek safety,I mean,come on,I'm a woman,needing safety is embeded in my system!
Salihah: But lately I ve come to realize safety and security is something deeply personal Elan. You find those things inside of you,not outside. By being true to yourself,seeking what you want,and trying to make it happen. Then,you know,that whatever life brings,you'll embrace.
Salihah: So,yeah. I could go for a guy my age,who lives here,has a job,yada yada yada. And you for a girl your age,who lives there,yada yada yada.
Salihah: What does that guarantee exactly?
Salihah: Nothing.
Salihah: It gives more chances.
Salihah: That,it does.
Salihah: And I KNOW,that if we ride this train,it's going to be bumpy alright. The train with us I mean.
Salihah: That's why I keep on insisting and saying that ,well,we gotta REALLY want it Elan.
Salihah: Cause this will be something alright.
Salihah: It doesn't HAVE to work out.
Salihah: Chances are,it won't.
Salihah: But the question is,for me : how bad do you want it? Enough to try it out?
Salihah: THAT'S the answer I'm trying to give myself.
Salihah: ANd hey,not even that is certain!
Salihah: I mean...Alex,my ex?
Salihah: He was head over heels for me Elan.
Salihah: In the beginning I mean.
Salihah: NEVER in my life have I been pursued like that,I swear.
Salihah: It blew off in a year.
Salihah: I can't blame him. It happens. My only problem is I didn't see he wasn't mature enough to sit down and try and solve problems instead of just hoping on to the next woman.
Salihah: Rant over.
Salihah: err....you there or?
Rhanite: I am, I am. I'm thinking
Salihah: *shushes*
Rhanite: Alot of things will be changing for me shortly - so it's an uncertain time in my life at this moment. This is the reason why I'm wrestling so much with the prospect of commitments.
Rhanite: Maybe it's an attempt to break with this tendancy to always try and have plans and trajectories and all that
Salihah: I understand Elan.
Rhanite: It's hard for me - to weigh out the options. Jump in with both feet and see if we go anywhere, comitting to that; Risk losing a good thing for the freedom to explore and change who I am
Rhanite: This is my dilemma
Rhanite: Regardless, one school is closed and shut to attend the other
Salihah: If you think being in a relationship won't change you,you got another thing coming Sir :P
Rhanite: Well obviously, but change in different ways
Salihah: I know what you mean Elan.
Salihah: And I respect it.
Rhanite: With you, I'd become one man - likely similar to who I am now. With another woman, might be someone else - become acompletely different person
Rhanite: In a perfect world from my perspective, we remain in the "maybe" phase - spending time and seeing where it goes, but there are few restrictions and doors are not locked so a chance to see what the coming new land can offer remains a viable option as well.
Rhanite: But that isn't fair to demand
Salihah: Why with me you'll likely stay similar to who you are now????????
Rhanite: Because many elements of who I am now are comfortable, natural in your company. That's a part of charm I find in you
Rhanite: You seem to accept me simply for who I am, which is an extremely rare thing
Salihah: Hold on a second...You're telling me that with me you can be yourself and feel ok about it,that it's comfy,and that is a potential drawback?
Rhanite: Both and neither
Rhanite: Haven't you ever wondered who you could be if you just had reason enough to change, and the handholds to take you somewhere else?
Salihah: I change.
Salihah: I evolve.
Salihah: Cause that's who I am.
Salihah: That has to do with me,and me only.
Salihah: It's not in the hands of other people.
Salihah: My evolution is MY job,MY commitment.
Rhanite: See, that is the kind of certainity and well, world-view that I lack
Salihah: It's not like in the old days when we did that through others only.
Rhanite: You've experienced more, had more time to make these decisions about the world and yourself
Salihah: I...I understand Elan.
Rhanite: I haven't yet. My experiences, my perspective is very bottled and limited in that regard
Salihah: It makes me feel sad and bitter,but I understand.
Salihah: Go.
Salihah: Fly.
Salihah: I'm not gonna be the one to clip your wings.
Salihah: Never.
Salihah: NEVER.
Salihah: I just wanted to fly with you. That's all.
Salihah: But you're not there,and I can see it now.
Rhanite: I don't want to let go.
Salihah: Me neither.
Salihah: Oh Christ there we go,tears again
Rhanite: You are something rare - I see something kindred in you, and I'm afraid to lose that
Rhanite: Which is why I hate myself for not being able to hold on tighter
Rhanite: For not being able to have the certainity I should have
Rhanite: Damnit, for not being stronger.
Rhanite: For being so goddamn afraid.
Rhanite: But that's were I am, torn, trying to know what to do. Two voices are equally loud
Rhanite: And I'm afraid of what will happen if I take the advice of either
Salihah: "Cause when you're sleeping right next to me,I know you're the on. So when I hear you calling my name,why do I trun away and run..If I rested here awhile more,would you hold me to your heart. If I knew what it was meant for,would I know to play my part.."
Salihah: the one*
Rhanite: the Poets know what they're talking about...
Salihah: I burnt those playlists of yours.
Salihah: Somehow I felt as if,the things you couldn't tell me,they were there.
Rhanite: It's disconcerting, that
Salihah: What does disconcerting mean?
Rhanite: worrying/freaky/strange/oddly appropriate
Salihah: Well.
Salihah: You know how I am with music.
Rhanite: I do.
Rhanite: It's sorta your way of being subtle in both finding and giving the answers you can't or don't really put into your own words
Rhanite: It's quite clever, really
Salihah: Sometimes it's the only way I have.
Rhanite: Hey, it works. It provides a framework and structure to hold on to when in doubt.
Rhanite: It helps give shape to something that's too intangible otherwise
Salihah: *nod*
Salihah: You are trully honourable Elan.
Salihah: You're one of the most wonderful people I have met. In all honesty.
Rhanite: Thank you Fay... that means more than you know.
Salihah: The fact you consider these things,that you understand the responsibility, what comes with them..
Salihah: The fact you acknowledge your doubts,and you voice them.
Salihah: I know it's fear,and I know it's not the best place to be.
Salihah: But I know our fear is there to teach us something.
Salihah: If I have to lose you for this to be taught,then so be it.
Rhanite: To be fair, I've had help from a very unique and strong person. Wise, too
Rhanite: Eddy had it right when he told Jason: "It's a rare man who truly knows who he is" - it's a privelage to know someone like you
Salihah: Thank you Elan.
Salihah: For everything.
Rhanite: You too, Fay.
Rhanite: You too.
Salihah: If...
Salihah: If you do find an answer to that dilemma of yours...and it involves me,do let me know.
Salihah: You never know...I might still be available.
Rhanite: Of course I will.
Salihah: God damn it I just wanted to love you...and now it's just...
Salihah: Can I please upload this conversation on my blog? I need to be able to re-read it..
Rhanite: By all means
Salihah: Thanks
Salihah: Elan...please tell me what you feel...
Rhanite: Hm, resolved, abit. Slightly conflicted - paradoxiacally enough
Rhanite: or however you spell that
Rhanite: And I'm searching for the word that best describes the last thing...
Salihah: The last thing?
Rhanite: Mm, feel like I'm sorta chastising myself abit
Salihah: I cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again.
Rhanite: Yeah - there is that
Rhanite: I want to have my cake and eat it
Salihah: I wanna be able to say goodbye in the flesh
Salihah: not just...words
Salihah: and even worse,typing
Salihah: and i didn't get the cake part
Rhanite: The chance may still arise to do so.
Rhanite: As for the cake? It's an idiom of sorts - to have your cake and eat it
Rhanite: To have both of two mutually exclusive options
Salihah: I...I need to go lie down
Rhanite: Allright then
Salihah: Don't...turtle on me again,okay?
Rhanite: I won't - I'll be delighted to talk to you, if you don't mind me doing so.
Salihah: Yeah,we'll take it as it comes,it's a lot to take in right now
Rhanite: True, that