Monday, May 12, 2008
Time
I don't wanna be here any more.I don't wanna do this any more.What was originally a dream,a goal,is now a burden.And it's turning me into something I don't like.I see myself doing the things I do when i 'm pushed over my limits.I take a week off to study and i barely do,i don't wanna see anyone,talk to anyone,people look for me and i hide,i hide,i want to be alone,alone,everyone else seems to be a nuisance,i don't want anyone next to me,close to me,they make me wanna hide,put on a laughing face and hide,hide, i 'm not myself these days,i cannot stand to look in the mirror,i didn't listen to music for ten days,i did things i never thought i 'd do, i cannot stand it, i 'm not ready, i need peace, don't approach me now,it has nothing to do with you, i know how this sounds but it IS me, you approach me and the first thing i think of is "what's wrong with you to want to be with ME?", stay away, stay far far away, till i'm ready, till i'm ready again,all i need is time, time, i 've always felt i 'm too slow for this era, i need time to do even the simplest things and everyone around me is running,running like mad,me i need time,time,to rest and to heal,to feel and to sense,to know and to learn,to not feel your presence even though you aren't here,in this mystical yet unnerving way,i don't want to feel your presence,i don't want to,i want to kill this,like this morning,a flash in my head , out of the blue, a thought, and then i saw him here, here again,and i knew, i knew i had felt it because he was thinking the same thing, and i don't want to, i don't want to, him and you have become like something that's one in my head and it's not like that,not like that,i know it's not like that,i know a lot of things but i cannot realize them, i know them with my mind but not with my heart, like the other night,the flesh awakening and me doing nothing,nothing,i don't wanna do anything,i wanna let go, let go of myself,deconstruct me so to reconstruct me,this is ending,and it certainly feels so,that's why i am like this, feel like this, not happy not depressed,an undead warlock of emotional state,that's why,i know, i know,i know a lot of things,but the things i don't know are even more,so please,stay away,do not hug me,i do not want you,i don't want anyone,all i need is time,time,please God give me some more time,give me some more time,i cannot do anything right now...
1 comments (+add yours?)
We all distort reality,we all change it in ways to make it more understandable to us,more acceptable to us. It's human nature,we would probably not be able to take it if we had to look reality in the eye and accept it for what it is, in regard to our own self and others alike. One of the things that shocked me to the foundations of my existence was when i learned,in one of my psychology courses,that people who have a tad of sadness on them, not depressed,just this certain dark,depressive aura about them,are significantly more in tune and in touch with reality than the rest. Something that i see for myself too as the years go by.
Can you even imagine it?
Free from your bubble,your shell,and sadness knocks at your door.
Free from illusions and make believes, and...this sense of, silent, bitter, a little sad...acceptance.
Is this it? Is this the core of the human nature then? To be vigorous and creative inside our own little bubbles? And if that's it,why is it bad? Why should we ever burst those bubbles if they 're making us feel good?
For the truth...
And why is truth so important to you dear self?
Who lied to you,in which way and for what, so as to make you obsessed so with the truth?
Who?
And most importantly,can you forgive them?
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