Cantar De Procella

I may lose the hearing in my left ear cause of MS flaring up,I have MS, I have MS, I have MS,I need to start treatment for two years and we'll see, treatment that will have side-effects,not severe but side-effects,I took cortisone for the first time,my body in shock,I could just feel it,unable to lift a finger for days,they drew holes in me,six holes,I don't want them to draw any more,I want this to stop,I cannot listen to music any more,I cannot listen to music any more,I CANNOT LISTEN TO MUSIC ANY MORE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Sound annoys me to the verge of tears,and this maybe permanent, I may lose my hearing in my left ear, I MAY NEVER HAVE MUSIC ENGULF ME ANY MORE, I can't take this, it's too much, not music,not this,I know it could have been something worse but how will I ever be able to...If it flares up and next time it's an eye or a limb,I'll go do you hear me? I'll bid you all farewell,pack up and go, I have a right to choose the way I want to live and the way I want to die,and if I can no longer control my body then I don't wanna live,I don't wanna have to learn this too, I DON'T! All my life I have been strong, well now I'm weak,I don't care about anything or anyone, all I want is for this to stop,I want to heal, I want to live,I ahve so many things I wanna do yet,I really don't want to have to make a choice..God please help me,show me the way here for I am trully lost,I try to keep myself afloat but I can feel me going numb,going numb for a long time and then something small happens and my emotions just pour out..Last night I had the worst nightmare of my entire life, I was left alone,trully and utterly alone, I was watching all my loved ones leave me,I don't remember why or how but I remember the way I felt,the deep,bottomless pit of desperation I was sinking in,so much so that my conscience had to intervene to soothe me, telling me "Fay, this is a dream,wake up now,this isn't what it's about..". I still think about Alex,I hate it, I don't want to,I want him gone,GONE DO YOU HEAR ME? There are times I want him to have a horrible,horrible life, even worse than what he's already have, spending it utterly alone,rotting away like he already does,going number and number,spineless,honourless,till he becomes one of those graphic,sick people we see and take pitty of, and then I remember how much I loved him and I start crying,it still hurts damn it,make it stop,I don't wanna hurt any more,I don't,I DON'T WANNA HURT ANY MORE, HOW COULD HE DO IT,HOW COULD HE,I'D NEVER DO THAT TO HIM,I'D NEVER BETRAY HIM,AND GOD DID I HAVE THE CHANCE TO. How could he take back everything,EVERYTHING,how could he NEVER let me know of how he was feeling,help me better myself so we could make it work,HOW COULD YOU FREAKING DO IT! Please make it stop...I need my music,I can't...God please NOT THIS,I NEED MY MUSIC, NOT THIS, I beg you..I've never begged a soul in my life but please...NOT MY MUSIC, NOT THIS! He never picked the phone up ONCE to ask how I'm doing,if I'm okay,only when he wanted something from me,that heartless monster,how can a person be like that,how can you just forget everything about one you claimed you loved,and HOW CAN I LEARN IT,why every person that i've ever loved is still with me,having a part of me,one i will never replace,and i still think back on them,I still wonder if they're okay,how can he do this, how can he be so cruel,I don't understand cruelty,it confuses me,it disorients me,I see him wasting away and it fucking HURTS,he thinks I'm under some jealous rage when all I feel is pain,I don't understand this,love and hate mixing up in one and turning into..contempt...I...

Not my music,God...I beg you. Not my music,I swear I'll change,on my fucking word,I've already changed so much,give me one more chance,please...Life can be ruthless,I know it, and when it hits so hard,you're not getting the message it's trying to send,I SEE it now, please, not my music...Help me get over this! I'll HEAL damn it! I'm too fucking young to bail, too fucking young to just give up! Sometimes I feel as if I want to shred you to pieces God do you know that? Sometimes I just want to claw and maim you, roar like the lioness I am and take your life,take your freaking life,anger,rage,flooding me,and after a while I know that's not the way to go,so here I am now,you're supposed to love us damn you,HEAR ME! LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT! As far back as I can remember I was asking for truth,well,now I'm changing my contract,I'm changing it do you hear me? Give me HEALTH,give me LOVE,show me how to be in your way without losing mine,that's what I want now, keep your truth,I got what I wanted alright,enough,I...

[weak] I'm scared,God..I'm terrified...And I need your help...